Lists,  Thoughts

Life; Before & After Kids

Saturday Night Before Kids:

Go see the latest action movie.

Go to a bar.

Dance at aforementioned bar.

Drink alcohol at a leisurely pace, enjoying the company of friends.

 

Saturday Night After Kids:

Watch Frozen for the 89th time.

Try to remember what a bar is.

Dance to Frozen songs.

Drink alcohol at a fast pace, before falling asleep, enjoying the company of two screaming children and  a husband bequeathed in a crown.

 

Dinner Before Kids:

Spend a relaxing hour fixing something fancy, like salmon or something else that adults eat.

Sit at table with a glass of wine, wondering what a real wine concessionaire would pair with salmon.

Discuss pertinent current events with spouse.

 

Dinner After Kids:

Spend a frantic half an hour trying to come up with some way to incorporate vegetables into a meal that cannot be seen to the naked eye.

Sit at table with glass of wine, forget it’s there, because a toddler is trying to crawl out of his high chair and a three-year old is feeding the dog her food and propelling it at lightening fast speeds across the table.

Discuss what Frozen character you would be, while intermittently breaking out into Frozen songs, as three-year old deems necessary.

 

My Birthday/Spouse’s Birthday Before Kids:

Plan an elaborate birthday party with friends, at awesome bar/restaurant.

Answer incoming birthday wishes.

Open thoughtful gifts from spouse.

 

My Birthday/Husband’s Birthday After Kids:

Plan an elaborate birthday which includes just leaving the house sans children.

Send all incoming birthday wishes to voice mail because toddler thinks she can wipe her own bottom and is constantly sneaking into the bathroom to drop a deuce, leaving a trail of poop pellets behind her.

Open birthday gift, purchased by one’s self , feigning surprise at what lies inside.

 

Waking Up On a Saturday Before Kids:

Sleep in, see that the clock says it’s only 9am, and sleep in some more.

Lay in bed, half awake, slowly waking up to a fresh new day.

Sip coffee, read online news.

 

Waking Up On a Saturday After Kids:

Hear the sound machine shut off at 6am. Cringe.

Hear the bedroom door fly open and the tap tap of little feet.

Open one eye to view child grinning and shouting, “I AM AWWAAAKKKKEE!!”

Send child to living room to play, asking gently for five more minutes.

Hear Frozen Soundtrack activated, and dance party following.

Feel guilty for not being awake.

Kick husband repeatedly, mumbling, “It’s your turn. Get up!”

Try to fall back asleep with two kids jumping on your face and giggling.

Pour coffee in mouth to activate energy.

Wonder about world news.

 

Cleaning the House Before Kids:

Pick up dirty clothes, toss them in laundry basket.

Throw dishes in the dishwasher.

Vacuum.

 

Cleaning the House After Kids:

Pick up dirty clothes, throw them behind any large piece of furniture.

Throw dishes in sink.

Pick up one room, move to the next, only to find previously cleaned area is now covered in toys…again.

Pick up the castle of toilet paper toddler made. Toss under sink for later use.

Scrape dried oatmeal from table, chairs, floor, kids, self, and dog.

 

Holidays Before Kids:

Get mildly excited.

Drink.

Celebrate.

Go home.

 

Holidays After Kids:

Let the excitement build for weeks. Kids love any holiday, and you love to treat them.

Spend hours making valentines, Easter baskets, 4th of July craft projects etc.

View every holiday with the excitement of a three-year-old.

Reflect on family traditions and incorporate your own.

Drink.

 

Life Before Kids:

Hang out with friends, family, spouse.

Occasional ponder the state of the world.

Enjoy life.

 

Life After Kids:

Hang out with kids. Laugh. Giggle. Play with play dough. Watch old movies.

Worry every second about the state of the world; infectious diseases, education, war, gun control, healthcare etc.

Enjoy life through new eyes.

 

 

One Comment