Things You Should NEVER Ask a Pregnant Woman

1.) Are you pregnant?

If you’re not sure, don’t ask. By asking this question a pregnant woman hears, “Hey. You look like you could be pregnant. But you look like you could be fat. I’m not totally sure. You look like a whale.”

2.) How many are in there? 

Um, odds are there is probably just one. And if there is, you have just called a hormonal, uncomfortable woman fat. Odds are also that you’re an asshole if you have uttered this sentence.

3.) Are your feet supposed to be that swollen? 

Bad things happen when you mix the third trimester with heat. What used to be elegantly painted lady-toes can morph into thick, bloated caterpillars that look like they’re trying to crawl away and escape from the sole of the foot. You pointing out the obvious engorged nature of a pregnant woman’s toes does not register as concern for her well-being, but as disgust at the inflated version of her once beautiful self.

4.) How many pounds have you gained? 

How many fucking pounds have you gained? At least a pregnant lady is supposed to be gaining weight. What’s your excuse? The average woman gains 25-35 pounds during a healthy pregnancy. I don’t have the exact statistics on how much weight a douchebag gains living on a diet of Coors Light and California Burritos, but I’m going to wager that it ain’t a healthy amount.

5.) Are you due any time now? 

People ask this question a lot, and generally, they misjudge the size of the woman’s belly in relation to how far along in her pregnancy she actually is. You may be innocently asking if her due date is around the corner but your words morph from your lips to her ears to sound something like, “You look fat enough that you should be having this baby already. You’re huge. You probably eat too much. Fat. Fat. Thunder thighs.”

6.) Are you sure you should be eating that? 

Just because a woman is with child does not give anyone the right to dissect what she is eating. I guarantee you that if I followed YOU around and watched everything you ate and drank, we could come up with a lot of unpleasant conversation subjects. Unless you see a pregnant woman mistaking the Windex for Gatorade or a tick for a JellyBelly, shut the shit up.

7.) Are you ready?  

I think this question is generally asked from a caring standpoint, from someone who wants to know how a soon-to-be-new-mommy is feeling about her impending baby package.

HOWEVER– brace yourself for an honest answer on this one. Most women are never 100% “ready”. She is probably excited to meet her baby, picturing what his or her little face will look like. She is most likely sick of being pregnant and wants a cold beer, a deli sandwich, and thirteen rolls of sushi. But she’s almost certainly worried about the birth; about whether or not to take drugs during labor. About how much pain she’s going to be in.

She’s concerned that her vagina will look like a sheet flapping in the laundry-line after the arrival of her precious cargo. She is picturing scenarios in her head of her baby ending up in the NICU or someone swapping her child for another.

She’s scared.

So unless you’re ready to discuss all of the aforementioned, stop asking the pregnant lady questions, and do something useful with your time and buy her a goddamn donut.