The Mommy Dictionary
Words are confusing. Let me help.
Birth Plan
Noun
:the fairy tale idea of how a woman sees her child’s birth going. The list may include music she wants, people in the room, use of drugs during labor, and birthing room goals. Most often this “plan” gets used a drink coaster or to make a paper airplane.
Diaper Bag
Noun
:a giant purse that, like a magician’s hat, can hold more items than one might think. They are generally clean on the outside while the inside contains diapers, pacifiers, toys, wrappers, cracker crumbs, moldy fruit, melted chocolate, dried-out wipes, receipts and a handful of failed mommy-aspirations.
Helicopter Parent
Noun
:a parent who consistently hovers around their child(ren), never letting said child(ren) do/experience anything for themselves.
Hemorrhoid
Noun
: swollen veins or group of veins in the anal region. IE a literal pain in your ass. This pathological condition causes great pain and discomfort and occurs frequently two life stages; fetus-growers and the elderly. It also causes intense cases of the Why Did I Have Children’s and the No One Warned Me about This.
High Heels
Noun
:dusty shoes that adorn the back wall of every mother’s closet. They are usually kept in the hopes that someday they will again be placed lovingly on pedicured toes, but generally this is never the case. A woman may find herself sitting in the closet playing with High Heels like a three-year-old plays Tea Party, giving the woman a brief moment to reflect on a classier, sexier time of her life.
Homeless
Adjective
:used to describe the state of one’s child’s hair, face and clothes.
Mom Hair
Noun
:the state of hair follicles that occur when they have not been brushed, washed or colored due to the distraction of a woman by her child(ren). In an effort to combat this condition, some women opt for a short haircut that requires none of the aforementioned. Unfortunately, this does not remove them from the category but instead makes their situation all the more permanent.
Nap Time
Noun
:the dedicated time that a parent looks forward to during the day, which motivates with them sweet promises of a break and rest. Generally, instead, this time is filled with dishes, laundry, and/or sobbing into a pillow.
Nursing Boobs
Noun
:a condition that occurs in women who breastfeed, where their engorged breasts become robust and reminiscent of porn titties. They are often very painful and like active volcanoes, breast milk may pour from them at any given moment.
Pepperoni Nips
Noun
:an ailment that occurs in women during childbearing years, in which her nipples grow to the size of giant pepperonis.
Poopdar
Noun/poop-dar
:the ability of parents to sense when a child will have to poop, is currently pooping or has already pooped. This aptitude requires that a person utilize all five senses, some intuition, extensive fecal research and existing air currents.
Pump and Dump
Verb
:an outdated action that requires a nursing mother who has drank alcohol to dispel said alcohol from her body through the use of a breast milk pump. Although this has proven to be false, as alcohol is metabolized in your breast milk just as in your bloodstream, the term is thrown around loosely by busy-bodies who want to comment on a woman’s alcohol consumption.
Sad Mylars
Noun
:an expression used to describe breasts post-breastfeeding, in reference to the deflated Mylar balloons that they resemble.
Skinny Jeans
Noun
:a pair of jean(s) that are far too small for owner’s ass/thighs, but are kept neatly folded in the closet for the day when weight is lost and butt muscles are returned to their former glory.
Special
Adjective
:a term used by mothers to describe their children’s erratic and generally disgraceful attitude, while trying remain polite.
Synonyms include: asshole, douche, shit-head.
Time-Out
Noun
:a tool used in parenting to teach a child that their behavior is not acceptable. Timeouts occur in bedrooms, bathrooms, hallways, grocery stores, sidewalks, chairs, and various corners. One of the simplest yet elusive of the parenting tools, its effectiveness relies on a parent’s ability to follow through and persist.
Vaganus
Noun / Va-jane-us
:a condition that occurs during childbirth when a vagina rips all the way to an anus, creating one giant hole.
Vedgie
Noun
:like a wedgie, but in your vagina.
To
Wipe
Noun
:a magic, moist towelette that can double as a Kleenex, sink, diaper cloth, napkin, plate, toilet paper, band-aid or hat.
Whisper Yelling
Verb
:an action performed by a mother in a public setting when said mother does not want to raise her voice so that others may hear, so instead, she whisper yells serious consequences, almost always producing spittle, into her young children’s ears.
Whoopsie
Noun/Whoop-SEE
:a term used to describe a major parental fuck-up. Examples include: locking your child (and also your keys) in the car, forgetting a child at home, leaving a child unattended with a Sharpie marker, giving your child an instrument for their birthday, etc.
Yoga Pants
Noun
:an item of clothing that has become a staple among mothers for numerous reasons including comfort, ease of access, ability to match, capability of disguising true size of thighs beneath, and implication that one exercises.
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