Interesting People

Empty Nest

My mother experienced a wicked case of Empty Nest Syndrome after my sister and I moved away. To fill the void that had expanded within her heart (and also her home) she did what any woman would: she filled both with birds.

Oh the irony! Empty Nest fixed by the addition of fowl! Her dining room is completely dedicated to their cages and various bird related paraphernalia. This includes: homemade perches, heat lamps and toys (my mom refused to get me a cell phone but each of the birds has one).

Let me introduce to you to the flock.

Guido: “The Wise Guy”

Guido has been a part of my mom’s entourage since before I was born. He was her first baby. He is very sweet, but his Italian roots cause him to make poor decisions. He loves to dissect electronics. I think he’s secretly trying to sell the parts on Ebay, claiming they fell off of the back of a truck.

Mikey: “The Loveable Idiot”

Mikey was mine. His full name, you guessed it, is Michael. I thought for a short time that I, too, was a bird lady. I was wrong. After six months, I carted him up to my mom’s house, where she took him in as her own. Mikey is dumb–legitimately very, very stupid. He falls off of his perch every day. He also hangs upside down, chews his own feet, and mid-way through his free fall to the ground, looks at you with disbelief like, “Man, who keeps biting my damn toes?!”

Andre: “The Psychopath”

If this bird was a human, we all would be dead. He is pure evil. His favorite trick is to coax you over with his beady eyes, and then as soon as you get close enough, he will attack. He likes to sit in the corner of the room, quietly plotting your death.

Mr. Quackers: “The Schizophrenic”

My mom recently moved into a new house, which is beautiful! It came with a pond and also, conveniently, a duck. The duck used to be wild, but my mom’s Empty Nest sucked him in, and he now is semi-domesticated. He swims in circles, quacking indiscriminately at anything that moves. He waddles up to the house and begs for food, but is also quick to retreat with any movement. He lives most of his life on his pond, talking to himself and pondering the world.

 

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