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Women are the Best. And Also the Worst.
Women are the best. And they are also the worst. There’s this community that exists between women; a plane running parallel to reality. And on this plane, women communicate– for better or for worse. Women support each other– this notion is completely elevated between those of the female gender. We pick up on cues, we call, we text, we are forever checking in with one another. We have an ability to hold each other up that is subtle and yet very complex in its undertones. I had a woman stop me in Costco the other day. She had two kids, around ages 6 and 8. She pulled her cart right…
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Three?
I want another baby. But I don’t. I want to have that crazy house, where kids are always laughing and playing, constantly entertained by their siblings. I want a baseball team. But then I don’t. When I am in a store and one kid is licking the shopping cart handle while the other is throwing a fit in the shoe aisle, I try to imagine what I would do with another one. Literally. What would I do with it? Where would it go? How would I fit three kids in the backseat? What would happen if they all ran separate directions? What if they all had the flu? And I’d have…
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Things You NEVER Say to a Stay-At-Home-Parent
Don’t ever tell a stay-at-parent that their job must be easy. Just don’t. It’s offensive, and no one would ever say it to you. I would never ask what you did with your day and when you told me you were in construction, or a lawyer or an accountant reply, “Oh, that must be so easy.” Don’t roll your eyes. It has been said to me before. So here is a list of things you should NEVER say to a parent. Maybe you’ll think twice before judging the woman/man that is raising your future boss. “You must have so much free time!” Free time? Really? Have you ever seen…
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Pube Shorts
As men get older, their hairlines tend to recede. As if by magic, wisps start pouring out of their ears and hanging down from their eyebrows, like poorly placed spider webs. But women…women get Pube Shorts. I distinctly remember the first time I was told about this phenomenon. It happens to you as you get older. And it’s not pretty. I was in the gym locker room (I had worked really hard to burn 100 calories, whilst drinking a Gatorade that contained 400), and a group of us were undressing. “Ugh, I cannot handle the Pube Shorts!” said my good friend, Pursey. She dramatically showcased her problem by thrusting her hips…
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So I’m a Bit of a Fixer-Upper
I’m tired. I’m tired of sleepless nights, of fall sicknesses and I’m damn sick of teething. But I’m sitting here, late at night, the computer screen’s unnatural brightness begging my eyes to stay open. I’m writing this for myself, as a way to free all of the frustration and irk I feel by seeing Facebook post after Facebook post, bitching about Obama and his Affordable Care Act. All I hear is negativity and pessimism and I’m sorry– but there are good things about this law and I don’t think they’re being fairly represented. Honestly, I don’t think they’re being represented at all. Maybe I can be the person who puts…
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Tattle-Tail.
My three-year-old has become a tattle-tail. But she only tells on herself. “Mama! Mama! I almost put my mouth on the bench.” she told me. I didn’t know how to respond. Glad you didn’t? Why? What bench? What stopped you? On a family vacation last week, she kept confessing that she almost put her mouth on…everything. “Mama! I almost put my mouth on Zepher! Mama! I almost put my mouth on Papa! Mama I almost put my mouth on THAT LADY!” (Here she pointed at an obese man sporting a visor and a shirt made of white, glistening hair). The latest episode was in the car today. “Mama! Mama!” she…
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Suck It Up, Ladies!
I keep seeing this commercial…and every time I see it, I get more creeped out. I think commercial is the wrong word; it’s really more of a public service announcement, urging women to keep their babies in their wombs until 39 weeks. It pleads, lists facts and urges the viewer to stay pregnant. I feel like I’m dating myself here, but remember that one time when you used to stay pregnant until the baby wanted to come out? Remember when fate chose birthdays instead of parents? Remember when the word “schedule” and “birth” couldn’t coexist together? Now there are plenty of legitimate reasons why women have to have scheduled inductions/C-Sections.…
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Sponges
My kids are sponges. They absorb everything. EVERYTHING. My husband was driving with our three-year-old the other day and she began to explain to him the rules of the road. “People are bad drivers!” She commented. “Well not ALL people,” my husband corrected. “Mommy says people are bad drivers. She says they don’t know how to drive. They go too fast and too slow and she yells at them on the freeway.” After hearing this story I was actually a little bit relieved. After all the things I’d shouted at other cars as they’d cut me off in traffic or tailgated me on the freeway, this was PG. She had…
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Only in Mexico
Poop is usually such a touchy subject. Especially when you’re traveling. People get all constipated with anxiety and then there’s usually the shared-bathroom problem. Everyone takes more “showers”, just to have an excuse to let the water run, allowing your body the freedom to fart in peace without fear of discovery. But Mexico is the Holy Shit Land– the place where everyone gets diarrhea; a place where the poop situation is so common, so mundane, it’s no longer an issue. You try your best to avoid it– you wash your hands more, drink only bottled water, and steer clear of questionable meats. But if you’re there long enough, you are…
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I Couldn’t Love You More
When we first rode on your motorcycle, My heart racing in my core, The thought graved into my mind: I couldn’t love you more. When we watched “Lost”, three seasons straight Lying on the floor, I looked at you and thought to myself: I couldn’t love you more. When we got our first apartment, A little cottage by the shore, I watched you sleep beneath our sheets: I couldn’t love you more. On our wedding day as I descended, Towards the one I most adore, I whispered joyously, beneath my veil: I couldn’t love you more. When our first babe, a little girl, In your arms…