Thoughts

Science; It’s For Reals.

 

There have been a lot of studies recently released (scientific, of course) in regards to raising children, parenting, pregnancy etc. I have a lot of experience in the area of Bullshitology, as well as a degree in I’malwaysrightosophy, therefore I feel qualified to share the results of my own survey with you. After minutes spent pondering the complexities of life and the universe, calculations made on many of my fingers, as well as the consultation of others within the field, my study has yielded the following outcomes:

1.) If you say the words out loud, “My child is sleeping through the night”, 89% of the time your child will STOP sleeping through night.

2.) Mothers who have colicky babies are 83% less likely to utter the phrase, “I can’t wait to have another!”

3.) When a new mother is trying to leave the house with her newborn child already buckled into a carrier, in 98.87% of cases, the aforementioned youngster will have an explosive shit that

  • Reaches shoulders
  • Requires clothes change/stains outfit
  • Seeps into carrier liner

4.) Parents testified that a child’s shoes fit right for an average of 5.63 days. The rest of the time the shoes are either remarkably too big or too small.

5.) If a white T-shirt is placed on the body of a human weighing less than 129 pounds, it takes an average of

  • 9 minutes for ketchup to appear on it
  • 14 minutes for dirt
  • 27 minutes for at least one booger
  • One month before disposal of soiled T-shirt

6.) Babies who are shown affection and love by their parent(s) on a daily basis, regardless of the adult’s marital status, sexual orientation or hair color preference, are 92% less likely to grow up to be douchebags.

7.) The “default” parent, in comparison to the “lay” parent has a mean of

  • 22% higher chance of ulcer
  • 13% higher rate committing of spousal abuse
  • 67% more gray hair
  • Two hours less sleep, per night

8.) Mothers who let their babies eat food off the floor are

  • 50% more likely to have sex with their partners
  • 74% more likely to shower more than twice a week
  • 38% less likely to cry on a daily basis

9.) Stay-at-home parents who make significant connections with other stay-at-home parents are, on average, 81.34% happier than those who do not.

10.) 72 % of experienced parents agree that the most truthful and helpful phrase you can say to another parent is, “It is a stage. They will move past it with your help.”

11.) It is a proven fact that if you are an asshole, your child is 75.34% more likely to also be an asshole.

12.) Children are 1052% more likely to feel the urge to defecate if there is not a bathroom close and or convenient.

13.) Men with young children are three times more likely to sleep through crying than their female counterparts. Experts theorize that this is due to an evolutionary adaptation known as “selective hearing”. Coincidentally, this adaptation is also common in men when their wives speak on the subjects of directions, instructions or anything having to do with menstruation.