clothing, boys, parenting, change, supporting
Author's Faves,  Parenting,  Thoughts

To My Son– in the Leopard Print One-Piece

imageTo My Son—in the Leopard Print One-Piece

You look super swanky in that girl’s leopard print bathing suit. You always want to be just like your older sister. So last week you innocently asked if you could wear her extra.

Sure, I said. Why not?

You would make any mama proud, parading around in that thing like you born in it. We were, of course, in our own backyard. When we went to a friend’s to go swimming, you asked again if you could wear a bathing suit like Sissy’s. I paused slightly before I responded at that time.

Sure. Go ahead.

You stood beside your sister, each admiring the other’s outfit. Mama, don’t we look cute?  You asked.

As we were getting ready to go to the splash pad at the park, you saw me packing your Thomas the Train suit.

No, Mama. You said. I want my bathing suit. The one like Sissy’s.

Ok, no problem. You can wear whatever one you like! I told you, enthusiastically. But inside I was hoping you would pick the shorts. Inside, I was wondering if your girls’ bathing suit and painted nails were going to draw attention.

When we got to the park, I’m embarrassed to admit that I felt a little anxious. What if someone said something to you? Was I going to have to beat up another mother at a splash park? What if a kid teased you? Was I going to have to beat up a kid at a splash park?

But as I watched you laugh and play, it made me think hard about what that bathing suit meant. Here is what I decided:

You are Two-Years-Old

Wearing a piece of clothing does not define you. It is not a marker for your sexuality, your orientation or the direction your life is going to take. Last month you wore a helmet for two weeks straight. You then traded it in for a bucket and wore that for another two. You are experimenting with wearing things—who the hell am I to judge? I wore a fanny pack once. And socks–with Jellies.

It is Only a Piece of Cloth

Who gives a flying fuck, really? When you think about it the difference between a boy’s bathing suit and a girl’s bathing suit is just a CUT OF FABRIC. So someone decided that boys should wear a certain shape? And ohhhh yes– the colors! Everyone knows that if you are a boy you can only like blue, green and maybe red. But no pink. No purple. Apparently the fact that you have a Y chromosome makes you partial to only half of the rainbow. Sorry, kid. That’s just science.

It Doesn’t Mean Anything

The fact that your nails are painted and at this specific point in time you like girls’ bathing suits means nothing. It doesn’t mean you are gay. It doesn’t mean you are transsexual, transgendered or questioning. It means you are a two-year-old with an older sister, whom you love and whom you admire. It means you are copycatting the world around, just as you should be. It means you are willing to try new things and to explore. Just because you are obsessed with a motorcycle, that isn’t indicative that you will run away at 17 to join a biker club and impregnate strippers.

There is a Double Standard

When your sister was two, she really liked baby dolls. But she also really loved matchbox cars. She would fill her purse with sedans and sports cars and carry them with her wherever she went. I thought nothing of it—and guess what—neither did anyone else. No one assumed that her interest in automobiles would land her bra-less at an Ani DiFranco concert with her girlfriend, Jo, at some point in the future. The stereotypes that toys, colors and patterns are purely gender-specific are antiquated and should be put back on the shelf next to Scrunchie hair-ties and the fear of interracial marriage.

I Don’t Give a Shit Where It Leads

This phase of your life is about discovery. Wherever your path heads, whoever you decide to be, or what you decide to like, or whom you decide to love– I’m OK with that. I am your mom and I just want you to be happy. You can be anything you want to be! If you’re a beautician, that’s good for my hair. If you’re in construction, that’s good for my house. My dream would be that you become a vintner but that’s for purely selfish reasons. And you can continue to wear the smashing leopard print bathing suit on public outings, and I will continue to protect you and stand by you. Whatever that does, or does not mean, for your future.

Love,

Your Mama

 

12 Comments

  • leah go forth mudron

    oh my i am so thrilled to have found you and this post!!! my now 4 year old has been obsessed with queen elsa since he was 2 – queen elsa room (bedding, plush,
    giant wall stickers, girls t-shirts, etc) then moved on to my little pony now shopkins and monster high dolls – his favorite color is pink (usually sometimes changes to blue if he is playing with his brother) and loves to do makeup on mama and papa – he has some spurts of trying out other toys – but he is drawn to what he is drawn to – all of your thoughts i had (even down to thinking am i really gonna have to beat a child if they act a fool) – and it all came down to – be you my sweet boy because that is amazing – whoever said pink is a girl color is wrong because its just a color – and whats the difference between a monster high doll and a spiderman doll – they are both dolls – i am certain your little man is so amazing – love your post and so,happy to have found it!!!

  • Diary of a Mommy

    Yay, Leah! Thanks for taking the time to read 🙂 it’s so good to hear other people are going through the same things and can relate.

  • Yooy

    Hello!
    I’m so thankful to one of my best friends for sending me a link to be able to read this article!
    I’m a mum of a beautiful child who’s nine now. He, when he was very little , used to like to play with dolls and pushchairs and I always let him and my answer for who was telling anything sexist about it was: “have you never seen a man pushing his baby on a pushchair or holding him on his arms? How sad, right?” And my son always answered when asked about it something like:”I like to play daddy as when I grow up I’ll be a very good one”, and always made me proud to hear him say those things.
    His father (now disappeared from his life) always told me that I was making him gay and that he will try his best to make him straight (now he doesn’t remember that he even had a child once and I’m thankful for it as he was an abusive husband and father, but that is another story to tell). The thing is that I’ve always continued teaching him that things are not boys or girls’ just for the sake of it but depending of how you look at them and who looks at them, and that he should never believe something just because it is believed by the people, that he should think for himself.
    I have always thought: “what tells that something is for girls or boys if the genitals are not involved? and if they are, sorry, this thing isn’t for children.” Now, he continues exactly the same, liking pink or purple, being different, being incredibly smart and compassionate and “being very proud of being a man” as he told me yesterday, and me very proud of being his mum.

    • Girl from the North Country

      I can completely relate! Everything I’ve learned as a parent has taught me that there is no “right way”‘to go about anything. Every kid is different, every situation different. Colors are colors and supporting your kids seems more important to me than making sure they are playing with the “right toy” or liking a specific shade of color. Well said!

      • Yooy

        The only problem about our way of education is that not everyone is as tolerant as us. My son had to change school because of bulling as he was the strange one: bilingual, long hair, colourful glasses, dressing different, respectful and not defending himself even when attacked( and he has passed already six belts in Kenpo and had a honorary diploma ) he always appeals to redeem violence… Now he is incredibly happy on his new school and the people from the other school that bullied him apologized to him… Time tells the tale but when I had seen him suffering, sometimes I wondered if I had done it right. Now that I can see a little big man, strong, respectful, open minded and intelligent I can see that I haven’t.

        • Girl from the North Country

          Agreed. But the more parents out there that are pushing tolerance and educating their children on people’s differences, can only create a better world for them.

  • lauren @thesmilelines

    Discovery!
    Great post. It is so true! I especially loved the last paragraph. I cried and laughed all at once!

    It is fun think about their future and what they will do, where they will go, who they will become! (and scary too!)

    • Girl from the North Country

      I love thinking of what they’re going to be like and what they’ll do. But yes, it’s also really frightening as well 😬