visiting new moms

When a friend or family member has a baby, it is an exciting time for those closest to them. People cannot wait to meet a new baby and congratulate the new parents. But there are a few rules that need to be followed that most folks may be too kind to express. It’s ok, ladies. I got your back.

DO:

BRING FOOD. This is a must. Food is the last thing that a mom with a new baby wants to worry about. But she’s going to be ravenous. And her partner is going to be exhausted as well. Even if you are told “No”, bring something that can be reheated; lasagna, taco fixings, Chinese Food. Picture that you are visiting a broke college student with an affinity for smoking weed and developing the munchies. Bring sustenance accordingly.

OFFER TO HELP OUT AROUND THE HOUSE. You don’t want to make a woman feel like her house is in shambles, but as soon as you arrive, state your intentions to help out. Tell her you want to do anything you can to make her life easier. Do you see the dishes are piling up? Do some. Offer to sweep or vacuum. Throw in a load of laundry. Every woman’s comfort level will be different. But if you ask enough times, she will eventually let you do something.

TAKE OLDER CHILDREN OUT. If the mother of the new baby has older children, offer to take them to the park to burn off some energy. Or out for ice cream. Anything to give the kids some enjoyment and the parents some time alone with the newborn.

OFFER TO TAKE THE BABY WHILE MOM SHOWERS/NAPS/EATS. There is very little time to get anything done for yourself when there is a new baby in the house. Taking a shower is luxury reserved for youth, and mom may take advantage of an offer to scrub in peace.

DON’T

SHOW UP EMPTY HANDED. If you show up to visit a family who just had a baby, you sure as shit better bring something. Food is best, but a bottle of wine or a thoughtful gift of any inebriant will suffice. Don’t spend a fortune, just be considerate.

TAKE BABY FROM MOM FOR ANY EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. Mommies have waited forty weeks, given up alcohol and sushi, sacrificed their bodies and sacrificed their souls to bring a life into the world. And while they want to show off their new bundle of joy, they also want them close. (NOTE: If you are holding a newborn and the mom says anything like, “Oh the baby is probably hungry.” Or “I should probably check if he needs a diaper change…” That is the mother REALLY saying, “Give me back my fucking baby, you thief.”)

STAY TOO LONG. This is one of the most important “DON’Ts”. Families need space. And time to bond. And honestly women who have just given birth are having a lot of drama in their panties. And they probably don’t want to explain to you why they disappear into the bathroom for fifteen minutes with a squirt bottle and a tube of mystery cream. Furthermore, nothing fits and odds are they want to put on their favorite stained pajamas, watch an episode of their favorite show with their spouse and discuss the perfection that is their new child. You, as darling and as important as you are to them, are not a part of this. Sorry.

ASK FOR ANYTHING. If you get thirsty, get a cup of water. The glasses are usually located near the water source. Hungry? Too bad. You should’ve thought of that before you came over. Your place as a visitor is to congratulate, help and then go. Your place is to give, never to receive.

COMPLAIN. While it’s nice to have adult conversation, and not everything has to be about the new addition, don’t be negative when visiting a woman who has just donated her vagina, and rest of her life, to a child. Freshly-minted mommies have a sea of hormones rushing their bodies and they are anxiety sponges. They will soak up your worry faster than a maxi pad floating face-down in a bathtub. Save your shit for another time.

MAKE A MESS. If you get out toys while there, pick them up. Dirty any dishes? Clean them. Get diarrhea while visiting? Scrub that toilet like your life depends on it. Your purpose should be to leave the house cleaner than when you arrived. Even if it is just wiping down a counter or picking up a pair of shoes.