To all you parents who are struggling out there– I see you. I nod in silent understanding when I see you gently trying to reason with your five-year-old, explaining with great animation as to why pairing one high heel and one flip-flop is a bad idea.

I see you and I am right there with you. But I want to remind you that in the long run, your strong-willed child is a blessing.

I was struck recently by the notion that some of the things that we are coached to teach our children when they are small are actually the things that I hope my children discard as they age. Some of the things that we demand of them are not characteristics of a healthy, confident adult.

Think about it: one of the most repeated things that we ask of our children is that they are obedient; that they do what we ask. And I appreciate this sentiment, especially while I am chasing three children around a grocery store and I stop and shout, “PUT THOSE BOTTLES OF VODKA BACK ON THAT DISPLAY CASE. RIGHT. THIS. INSTANT.”

But ironically, this is not a quality that I want my grown children to adhere to. I want my kids to question and to think. I want them to hear a direction and ponder the effects of said demand.  (Before some of you start to get your panties in a wad, let me be clear—I am not advocating that we raise a bunch of hooligans who show their privates to women standing in line or anything. I don’t want them to be unable to maintain a job because their motto is “fuck authority”. I’m just saying that I don’t them to blindly follow what someone asks of them. Calm yourself and keep reading.)

I have never liked the parenting adage because I said so. It implies that there is no reason that we ask specific things of our kids, or if there is one that we are not going to bother explaining them. I’m guilty of shouting this phrase at my children in the heat of the moment—I’m sure we all are. But these strong-willed children of ours will someday grow up to be strong-willed adults. My goal as a parent is not to raise them to blindly follow commands but to instill in them critical thinking.

Picaso said, “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.” I think that this applies to parenting our children, as well. We want to teach them the basic rules of being a decent human being. We want to show them where the lines are; about respect, good listening, manners, and kindness. And then, gently, and with lots of discussions, we want to talk to them about breaking them.

This idea of raising a person who is subservient is most frightening when I apply it to my daughter. My funny, smart, beautiful, opinionated child is only six-years-old and yet she knows exactly what she wants. I am learning that while I want to teach her to be a good listener, to be respectful and to be kind, that she must also be true to herself. When she says that she does not like something, it is important to remember that she is allowed to have an opinion. She is a little person who has likes and dislikes. How and when to voice that opinion is what we try to discuss.

I hope that both my daughter and my sons know it is ok to say NO. I want them to say I’m sorry when they have wronged, not because, particularly with females, they have been taught to apologize at the drop of a hat. I want them to live large, be loud, and feel encouraged to voice what makes them angry, frustrated, or in any way uncomfortable.

Having a strong-willed child can be a challenge. There are days when I think, “Can’t you just do it? Can’t you just stop asking questions and do what I ask?” But I try to remind myself that all of my hard work now will pay off in the future. Strong-willed children who are armed with the basic rules of decency, but who are also encouraged to think for themselves, are just the sort of people that I am aiming to raise.

If you retain anything from these late-night, wine-induced thoughts on parenting let it be this–these strong-willed children are the 6^th graders that stop to question why their peers are picking on the kid with glasses. These are the 15-year-olds who raise their hand in economics and ask why there are two separate categories for male and female professions. These are the college students who innately know when the word consent applies. These are the adults that grow into positions of leadership in politics, churches, and schools. They are the free thinkers who question the status quo with the aim of making the world a better place.

And I want my children to be among them.

These strong-willed children can be difficult but it is important to consider that our aim as parents is not to quash their determination, their sense of character, or their backbone. We want to show them the finesse of compromise, the beauty of walking in someone else’s shoes, and the sense of pride that one can get when standing up for what is right.