Corrections

PENIS.

VAGINA.

Have I grossed you out yet? If so, you should probably stop reading. It gets worse.

It has been proven that talking to young kids in full sentences with real words, promotes better and faster speech. So for God’s sake, PLEASE STOP NICKNAMING YOUR CHILD’S GENITALS. This is wrong on so many levels. Cutesey names are more disturbing, and only serve to make us parents feel more comfortable. But what we are doing is instilling in our children our own insecurities with these terms. And it gets weird, really fast.

There is nothing dirty or weird about teaching kids the proper names for their body parts. Penis and vagina are not slang– these are names that doctors use, nurses use and parents SHOULD use. I get that there are disadvantages to it; you really don’t want to be the parent of the kid that teaches his class in Kindergarten the word “penis”. But you also don’t want to have the child that legitimately believes that their privates are called “Tee-whos” and “Pee-pas”. (These are names I have actually come across on message boards. No shit.)

The most disturbing one I’ve found was one woman taught her daughter to call her vagina “Cookie”. I’m trying not to laugh while I type this, because it’s really quite sad. But can you just imagine? Little Sally is over at a friends house, and starts telling her friends she has a cookie.

“Where?” Her friends are bound to ask.

SEE– now that is way more awkward then just telling your kids the right names.

And if you insist upon using the wrong terminology, at least be creative. I’ve compiled some good ones for you:

• Mutton dagger
• Clam hammer
• Jurassic pork
• Tampon tunnel (This one could open up the conversation to the puberty talk– you’re welcome)
• Mossy Donut
• Davey Cocket (Clever!)
• Poon (It’s a classic)

Having stated the importance of correct terminology, I’ll admit I have been lax in other areas of language. There are a few I’m just not ready stop hearing.

HA-quitos

Living in Southern California, we eat a lot of Mexican food. My daughter’s favorite are Taquitos, a corn tortilla rolled over either chicken or beef. But since she was little, she always pronounced them HA-quitos. It’s now become a family saying, and I’ve caught myself ordering them at restaurants, while the server looks at me like I’m an idiot.

WHORE-fed

My aforementioned child pronounces the word FOREHEAD, WHORE-fed. If I were a decent person, I would have corrected this one a long time ago.

But I’m not. Also if I were decent, I wouldn’t picture it in my head as WHORE-fed but instead HORE-fed or something less…slutty.

What you teaching your kids? Are there some good terms that I’ve missed?