9 Reasons NOT to Buy a Mini Van

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of all parents. Any content provided is not intended to malign any religion, group, club, organization, individual or anyone or anything. However, it may cause anger or embarrassment to drivers of mini vans. Though shade may be thrown towards a specific make/model of vehicle, it should be noted that the author has many friends who drive such vehicles. The intention of the following is to show through crude but real examples that it is acceptable to be a parent and to own something other than a mini van.


1. You’re still a human person. Even as a parent, you have basic human traits such as taste and preference. If you don’t like the way a mini van looks or how it drives, that’s OK. If it doesn’t float your boat or wet your whistle, screw it. That’s called expression, and it is perfectly natural even in people who have witnessed children coming out of their/their partner’s vagina.

2. There are alternatives. The mini van doesn’t have the corner market on seven-seaters or family vehicles. In fact, there are many more options out there! Some are bigger, some are more eco friendly, and all of them offer custom features to fit the buyer. Consider:

  • Toyota Sequoia
  • Honda Pilot
  • Chevy Tahoe
  • Chevy Suburban
  • Audi Q7
  • Volvo CX90
  • Kia Sorrento
  • Volkswagen Touran
  • Jeep Commander
  • Toyota 4-Runner
  • Caddilac Escalade
  • Toyota Highlander
  • Dodge Durango
  • Ford Flex
  • Lincoln Navigator
  • — and many, many, more.


3. Peer Pressure still exists as an adult– just say NO. So all of your friends have one? Hallelujah! That’s fantastic for them. But like you may have realized in High School, just because everyone else is getting a perm and cutting bangs that does NOT mean that it will work for you. You look and feel your best when you are being true to yourself. I like to nod at other mom’s at school pick-up who haven’t taken the mini van route. We share a bond forged on stubbornness and the impulse to shout at the world, “I DO WHAT I WANT!”

4. Ease of access can be utilized in any car. Too lazy to open your own car doors? Do you envy the mini van doors that slide open with a push of a button? I have a secret– you already possess auto door-openers and they’re called YOUR CHILDREN.

You want to change the climate in the back of your car? Roll down a goddamn window like the boss that you are. Have you heard stories about the built in coolers that mini vans come with?

Bitch, please. What if you want to pack a cool beverage for the Saturday soccer game and you get pulled over by the Po Po on your way there? Everyone knows where the cooler in a mini van is located. Nobody is gonna look in your Hello Kitty thermos in the trunk.

5. It is legitimate to want to be “cool” still. Are you unable to drop the idea that driving a mini van may make you lose your “cool” factor? Well it probably will. I have never pulled up to mini van, made eye contact with the driver and nodded at them like, “Hey, you cool.” I avert my eyes and drive quickly past them before they try to recruit me for the PTA or sell me an overpriced magazine subscription.

6. Your kids will be able to find you. In a sea of mini vans that all look exactly the same, your children will recognize your vehicle if you’re different. You can warn them about stranger-danger all you want, but how do you know that they won’t just accidentally hop into another a silver Honda Odyssey and peace-out with another family? See if you drive a neon pink Highlander, than there’s no confusion.

7. You can build character. So maybe your kids will have to open their own doors, or sit next to each other on the way to school– friend, that’s awesome. Having some “hardship” teaches children about personal space and allows them the freedom to explore what happens when you stick a booger in someone else’s ear. It also teaches them about payback, IE consequences.

8. Being a little vain is OK. So you don’t want a mini van because you’ll feel stupid driving one? That is legitimate. Girl, you do things every day because you care about how you look. I know you aren’t curling your eyelashes because you like trying to get them all in that little metal cleaver. You aren’t squeezing that post-baby belly into spanks because they feel good. You’re doing it because you care about the projection of yourself that you put out into the world. So why is that not allowed to apply to something that you have to drive every day?

9. Show your kids that you’re unique. So you want to drive a red mustang convertible? Does the thrill of the wind blowing in your hair make you feel alive? Great. Pass that on to your kids. Show them that you can be a parent who drives whatever the fuck they want. Show them that they can choose what makes them joyful.

Be a role model. Don’t buy a min van.




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13 thoughts on “9 Reasons NOT to Buy a Mini Van

  1. Hahaha YESSS! This post made me LOL! My husband and I are currently in the market for a “family” car and he keeps trying to convince me we need a van because of all of the space. I’ll be driving it everyday, so F THAT! I’m not down.

    1. I’m going to paint flames on the side of my sweet ride so my brood can find me. Enjoy being cool….my doors open by themselves, mofo!

    1. There is something to be said about get comfort of a mini van for sure…

  2. I always swore I’d NEVER drive a mini van. With four kids now, it’s a life saver. One day I’ll drive a cool car. In the meantime, sliding doors are AH-MAZING with four little ones. 🙂

    1. I totally get the appeal. And sometimes when I see someone opening all of their doors with a button I get a little bit jealous 😉

  3. HAHAHA this post got to me. My town with the complete opposite. My mom was the ONLY one with a minivan while everyone else had super fancy cars. She totally embraced it and stood by that it was the most practical car. Everyone knew when that red minivan drove up to school, it was my mom 😛 I enjoyed your post, even though it was a totally different view on minivans.

    1. Julia that’s hilarious! Growing up, having a mini-van WAS fancy. The rest of us were stuck driving Volvo station wagons and VW Rabbits. It is so interesting to see how our different perceptions of something so simple like a car, are.

  4. so on Point # 6 you are admitting too many parents with kids have minivans ,wonder why ? 😉

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