My Husband Cannot Whisper

My husband cannot whisper. I am not exaggerating– he literally cannot lower his voice to a quiet decibel. It used to infuriate me, but I’ve come to realize that it’s his superhero weakness. Superman couldn’t stand Kryptonite, Zoolander couldn’t turn left, and my husband cannot whisper.

I first saw signs of this when we were dating. We were walking home from dinner and he commented on the man’s outfit in front of us.

“Look at that guy’s pants!” My husband exclaimed.

It was clear by the glance over his shoulder that the man had heard the comment.

“You need to whisper,” I told him.

In the movie theatre, when asking to pass the popcorn, my husband’s voice rings out like an announcer. In the doctors office, discussing personal information, he informs the entire waiting room of the details of our visit.

And then we had children.

“The baby is sleeping. When you go upstairs make sure you whisper.” I would urge.

“Do you want your toothbrush?!” He’d scream. This would always be followed by a different scream, of a baby woken from dreamland by a giant shouting about dental hygiene.

I’ve tried to work with him, to coax his voice into a quieter tone. But it’s impossible. And the hardest part is that he doesn’t even hear it.

“There, am I whispering?” He always asks me annoyed. Trust me– it’s never a whisper.

When he’s reading bedtime stories to our daughter and I’m putting the baby down, I gently have to remind BOTH of them to keep their voices down. The three-year-old has got it. My husband, not so much.

He recently bought our kids a megaphone.

“Are you crazy?” I asked him. “They are loud enough as is and you bought them a MEGAPHONE?!”

“It’s cute!” Was his reply.

I’m beginning to think this problem lies less with his voice, and perhaps more with his hearing.