Why giving directions to a toddler is impossible.

Have you ever tried giving directions to a toddler? It is impossible.

I was feeding my youngest, trying to direct my three-year-old to get me my checkbook that had fallen off of the kitchen table.

Problem #1: she doesn’t know what a checkbook is.

Problem #2: she doesn’t know her left from her right.

Problem #3: she isn’t that great of a listener, for any length of time.

Problem #4: the concept for “forward” and “backwards” are foreign to her.

The conversation went something like this—

ME: Can you please pick my checkbook off of the floor?

3-YEAR-OLD: What?

ME: Can you please pick my checkbook off the floor?

3-YEAR-OLD: Where?

ME: Right there. On the floor. To the left of the table.

3-YEAR-OLD: What?

ME: Take a couple steps forward. No. Ok, walk. Now STOP. Turn. No. Not that way. Look at the refrigerator. And then look down.

3-YEAR-OLD: Are we going to get a snack? I’m hungry. Do we have any apples?

ME: No, we just ate breakfast. Can you get my checkbook please?

3-YEAR-OLD: When is lunch?

ME: Not for a while. We literally just ate breakfast. Can you please pick up that checkbook? It’s blue. It’s by your baby. See?

3-YEAR-OLD: Awww my baby! My baby is hungry. Where are her clothes? I’ll bet they’re in my room.

3-YEAR-OLD disappears from sight.

Sigh.