I Am An Exhausted Parent– And I Miss “The Village”

Today as I sat stuffing Cheetos into my mouth, my three-year-old sitting on my lap and my five-year-old telling me a 45 minute Ninjago themed saga, I was struck by this simple fact: as parents, we no longer have “the village”.

We’ve all heard the adage, “It takes a village to raise a child.” And while this may seem elementary and passe, there really is something to it.

I consider myself a decent enough mother but I am not too proud to admit that other adults will only add to my children’s upbringing. I am one woman, with one perspective. I want my kids to be exposed to many. I get tired– I have lunches to make, a house to clean, bills to pay, work to be done. But I’m sure that in close proximity there are a handful of adults who would gladly take a couple minutes of their day to talk to my children. To teach them something; tell them a story. Show them an artifact or how to clip a rose bush.

Think about it; humans have always lived in tribes. Throughout history, we have counted on each other to help, teach, nurture, and feed the youngest and most innocent among us. Until very recently, it was socially acceptable to let your kids out into the neighborhood; to let them play unbridled by an adult’s watching eye. But now– shit. Now if you try to foster independence in your children you are deemed to be “unfit” as a parent. We have taken helicopter parenting to a whole new level that is punishing parents who are completely and utterly exhausted. But more importantly, we are also punishing our children– who can benefit from the company of people outside of their immediate family.

As parents, we need to be able to tap out for a few minutes.

Just mere decades ago kids wandered the streets on their bicycles, explored their surroundings, and made friends with randos. And the randos, in most situations, provided entertainment, wisdom, or sometimes merely attention. You could wander down to ol’ Mr. Johnson’s house and he might show you his old tractor equipment. A child might figure out that Mrs. Mayberry makes her fresh squeezed lemonade on Saturday mornings, and is given the chance to learn a thing or two about juicing.

My friends–I don’t own any tractors. I ain’t got no time to juice fresh lemons. I NEED THE VILLAGE.

Modern life has thrown up walls– we are petrified of sex offenders and old people talking to our children. We don’t allow them to go out of our houses and seek the company of others. We are limiting their experiences to only a small group of adults, that we have pre-screened and vetted. And yes, while I don’t want my children unnecessarily exposed to flashers or pedophiles, we have to weigh the downside of being over-protective against benefits.

Maybe parents would not feel so overloaded if we were allowed to let someone else take over for a bit. Maybe it would be nice to have a couple of minutes of silence to pluck our eyebrows or to drink a cup of hot coffee. While I am not suggesting we let our kids play on the lawn of the registered sex offender who lives down the block, we can loosen the reigns a little bit. We can push ourselves, and our children to make more connections with those around us.

Maybe modern parenthood often feels isolating because it is; because we have cut ourselves off from our neighbors– from our village.