Preschool Wasteland

I have been looking into preschools for my three- year-old and people–it is a wasteland out there.

The term “You get your money’s worth” has never been so applicable. I’m not a bajillionaire. I don’t have a ton of extra money to spend on sending her to school for two mornings a week. Furthermore, I have worked with kids my entire life and I cannot believe the hourly rate that some of these places are pulling in. If you are making that much dough on my child, she should be doing gold-plated art pieces and having private violin lessons. She should be carried around on a baby elephant and a crowd of people waving paper fans should follow in her wake.

I tried to be open minded. My friend convinced me to check out what I kindly refer to as The Creepy Place Around the Corner.

“We have to at least see it.” She pleaded.

Well, we saw it. We saw an abnormally large four-year-old who was pushing other children. We saw a kid throw a shovel full of mud on my friend’s father, with barely a blink by the “teacher”. We saw an awful lot of dirt and a sluggish attitude by all employees that the woman explained away as “being unregimented”.

I went and saw a religious based preschool that looked promising, that exposed the kids to Judaism in terms of teaching them about sharing and caring. But it only had two students. How can I send my child to a preschool, with the intent to get her socialized (which is what I have been repeating as my reason to send her at all) with TWO kids? She sees more of her cousins on a weekly basis AND there are five of them.

I’m still looking. I’m googling, yelping and asking friends for suggestions. But my god, is this what the preschool system is like out there? Do you have to choose between paying your mortgage and sending your child to a fenced, dirt parking lot with giant bullies?

I don’t expect the kid to be learning algebra. I don’t want her in a preschool where they are preparing her for college. But if I am going to pay someone to take her, there are certain expectations that I have:

1) The teachers should not look like child molesters.

2) There needs to be discipline to the point I know that you will stop my child from being harmed by someone else’s and vice-versa.

3) If charging more then $15/hour and pick-up is not until 12:30, don’t be an asshole and make me pack a lunch. Shell out the extra 50 cents and make a peanut butter and jelly, which should be included in the ransom you are calling tuition.

4) If you have a dirt yard full of holes, don’t pretend like you left it that way on purpose. It’s offensive to me that you think I’m stupid enough to believe that you chose to keep the dust field you refer to on your website as a “playground”.

5) When giving a tour of the facilities, please don’t reprimand me for asking too many questions. I’m sorry–you’re upset that I want to know how many of you work there? It seems absurd to you that I wonder how you manage to watch all of the children, both inside and outside? And when your answer to the aforementioned is, “Oh, I stand in the middle and can pretty much hear both the yard and the inside” don’t be surprised when I grab my child and run.

6) I’m not all about appearances. But if you have an overgrown meadow in the front of your preschool, I am already judging you negatively. Especially if the name of your preschool implies cultivating a garden.

7) If you overuse a phrase like “hand-eye coordination”, claiming that every single thing in your preschool will increase my child’s motor skills, I’m gonna go ahead and call you on your bullshit. I too have door knobs, wooden spoons and pot holes at my house. I don’t invite my friends over and assert that their children will be more brilliant by pulling my weeds and mopping my floor.

8) Don’t pick your nose, however slyly you think you’re doing, while giving me a tour. I SEE YOU. And I have a hard enough time teaching my kids not to do that already. Having them see their “teacher” do it is just going to set me back.

9) You should love what you do if you are working with children. Especially my children. You should get down on their level immediately. If I don’t see this, I’m out.