Common Birth Control Methods Explained By a Real Woman

You might be a dude out there wondering about common birth control methods. What do they actually do? What do they actually mean?

Or maybe you’re a woman out there looking for a way to explain said methods to someone close to you. Or perhaps, you’re a young teen who has stumbled upon this blog and you’re looking for a real explanation…in which case, um sorry. Or perhaps you’re welcome. Let me know either way.

The Pill

“The Anxiety Medication”

This small, round capsule holds the key to your future. But let’s be clear about one thing; although it is 99% effective, that statistic is referring to perfect use. Perfect use means that there is no human error. That means you take this pill at the same time, every day, with no exceptions. That means that you cannot throw up—from the flu or from too many Tuesday night margaritas. It means that there will forever be a little clock in your head that is counting down the time, calculating where and when you will be, and worrying that you one day you just will not remember. And trust me, that day always comes.

 

The NuvaRing

“The Ring of No Desire”

The NuvaRing is a plastic device that delivers estrogen and progestin to a woman’s system. It is placed in your vagina for three weeks and then removed for one.  First off, trying to figure out how to get this sucker in takes a lot of time and dedication. It’s like sending an unmanned probe into outer space—you give it a good push into the atmosphere and hope for the best. I believe that the gravity of your cervix is supposed to pull the ring in and snap it into place. Something to do with pubic physics.

Getting it out is a task, as well. Have long fingernails? Watch out. The slippery ring has been sidled up to your vaginal wall for three weeks by the time you’re supposed to remove it. One has to effectively loop a finger through an edge, and pull at exactly the right angle to remove. I saw myself doing it in the mirror and it looked like I was trying to itch my nose through my vagina.

But the most glorious side effect of this form of birth control comes in the apparent lack of sex drive. I think that the NuvaRing was designed by men who have convinced women that sticking a magic ring into their hoo-ha will keep them from getting pregnant, while in reality it works because the women have no desire to have sex at all.

The Diaphragm

“Aunt Flow’s Torture Device”

The 1940s called and it wants its birth control back. This friendly device looks like a toilet stopper. It covers a woman’s cervix, and paired with spermicide it blocks avid swimmers from reaching their goal.

There’s nothing quite as romantic as whispering gently in your partner’s ear, mid-coitus, “Hold on a sec. I’m going to put in my diaphragm.” At which point man hears woman rifling through the cupboard, an “AHA!”, and then grunting. Ten minutes later, she’s back and ready for action.

The IUD

“The Invisible Cross”

IUD’s have actually come a long way. They have very little side effects now, and are placed into a woman’s uterus by a doctor. They are shaped like a T, but have always reminded me of a cross, like there is a little evangelist inside keeping the evil sperm at bay.

The downside to this option is that it is mostly recommended for women who have already given birth, IE had their inside ruined already. Young women with their lady parts intact may feel pain when the device is implanted.

The Female Condom

“The Circus Tent”

Made of polyurethane (soft plastic), this miniature pavilion is inserted deep into the vagina. I have read tutorials and pamphlets from medical professionals and I still don’t understand how it works. I think you just throw it up there and hope for the best. If anything, it may cause some discomfort for your partner, ending the show at half-time. No victory? No worries.

The Patch

“Look Everyone, I’m Having Sex”

This not-so-subtle option is placed on a woman’s arm, buttock or abdomen. It looks like a nicotine patch but is larger in size. It’s a great way to tell your mom you and your boyfriend have taken the next step. It is also a great accessory to any event where you are required to wear a cocktail dress, thus announcing your sexual prowess.

The Implant

“Beam Up the Sperm, Scotty!”

This mechanism looks like a match and is inserted into the skin in a woman’s upper arm. It can last for three years. Maybe it is the conspiracy theorist within me, but I am not a fan of anything getting implanted into my skin that resembles a tracking device. What if the government is secretly monitoring alcohol consumption? Or how many times the F-Bomb is dropped in front of children? What if they are reporting to mothers everywhere the exact number of one night stands and walks of shame? No thanks. I’ll keep my dirty statistics to myself.

The Male Condom

“The Everyday Person’s Birth Control”

You have to give the male condom credit for its simplicity. Of course, all female birth control options involve physics, fittings in the stirrups, loss of sexual desire and various shapes and textures of devices shoved up into their bodies. But the only form of male birth control is a sleeve that you can purchase on every corner for less than a dollar. One simply picks a style (Magnum, Ribbed, Flavored), removes it from its easy-tear packaging and rolls it on.

The main problem with this form of birth control is that is doesn’t protect from all STD’s, and also the effectiveness is dependent on the user’s ability to correctly deploy the shoot. While this form is as straightforward as they come, three bong rips and a keg stand may impair the faculty of the operator. As will a date night out sans children, two bottles of wine and some backseat foreplay. Hello, siblings.

The Pull-Out Method

“Tell Her Something Quickly So I Can Finish”

This gem is almost always suggested by a male partner in a sexual act. It is less of a form of birth control and more of a magical promise made by a man in the throes of passion. Its effectiveness is hard to determine, as no one can predict the strength of character and amount of pre-cum. I would rank this one on the scale as slightly better than nothing.