Fun with Funerals

I knew taking a toddler to a funeral was going to be interesting. I’m not an idiot. But I also didn’t have a babysitter, and my cousin had recently passed away. It was important that I attend.

I thought it was too early to explain death to her– this cheerful, little being would soon enough be burdened with real life problems, and I wasn’t going to try to explain end-of-life to a two-year old.

Instead, I said nothing. She was always gazing at the sky or playing with grass. I couldn’t get her to focus on anything of importance so how much could she possibly pick up?

The funeral began in a church. We sat in one of the back pews, so if a quick exit was needed we could quietly sneak out. The thing is with churches, that they’re made for sound. The beautiful walls are made to echo the sound of booming voices, and my baby came out of the womb equipped with a pair of powerful lungs.

She was an angel, really. She sat with her legs folded, quietly looking at the stained glass windows. She used her inside voice to ask me the gender of each person that walked passed us.

When the funeral began, she saw the pure white casket enter the church.

“What is that?” She mused.

“It’s…a box.” I whispered.

“What’s in it?” She quietly whispered back.

“Uh, I’m not sure. Let’s just watch.”

I heard her gasp. I looked widely around, looking for a sobbing relative. Anything to explain her surprise.

“OH. MY. GOD.” She shouted.

My face turned red. Using the Lord’s name is vain at funeral? In a church? With extended family I didn’t know very well?

She quickly stood on the pew and pointed at the casket.

“OH. MY. GOD.” She repeated. I anxiously tugged at her dress and begged her to sit down.

“Do you think there’s CANDY in there!?” She shouted. “I bet that box is FULL of candy!”

Oh.

So there are multiple, unforeseen reasons not to bring a toddler to a funeral. One of which being, in her world if you tell her there’s a box, there sure as shit better be candy in it. Why else would six grown men be carefully carrying a box down an aisle with such respect?