Groupon Paraphernalia

I was browsing Groupon today and I came across something that gave me great pause; a vibrator disguised as a lipstick case. The print states, “Multifunctional mini vibrator looks like a tube of lipstick, making it easy to discreetly store in a purse or bag.”

First off, multifunctional? What else can that thing do? Is it also an SD card? A breathalyzer? Is there actually lipstick in there? Am I supposed to apply it after it’s been all up in my va-jay jay?

Second, how effective can that small of a vibrator be? It is literally two inches tall. I can’t keep track of my keys or phone on a good day, let alone a mini-sex tool that chills in the vacuum that I call I purse. Aren’t you afraid of losing it?

Moreover–what are women doing carrying around vibrators in their purse? Are you taking them to work? On a jog? A trip to the gym? Do you take a minute in your car before the grocery store to break out the lipstick vibrator?

I’m all for investing in a good vibrator. More power to you (literally). But I’m so confused. Forget the need to always have one handy; are people going through your purse? Are they doing spot checks now, seeing what stimulating paraphernalia women are toting in their handbags? Is there a real, intense need for such secrecy and mobility?

For the sake of argument, let’s say you bought it because you travel a lot. Airport security puts all of your carry-ons through the x-ray machine. It’s going to be obvious you ain’t carrying a regular lipstick case when the battery pack shows up on the screen.

So what is it for? Is this a new lady trend that I haven’t been privy to? Is this all the rage in young adults and I’m just so old and out of the game I haven’t heard of it? What happened to the old fashioned Rabbit that you keep in your night stand?

Fear not, Groupon also has the Rabbit! But um, is it me or are these things starting to look a little frightening? I feel like this has to have been designed by a man. No woman would ever suggest something so…machine-like.

NOTE TO THE MAKERS OF THE RABBIT: If you expect women to put something ANYWHERE near their vagina, for the love of all that is holy, make it soft! Make it subtle! Give it some romance! Your latest creation looks like a shifty, alien, probe. We women don’t want nothing near our cooches that looks like it could spontaneously combust or has the possibility of artificial intelligence.

It also looks like a crab. Crabs pinch. Crabs remind me of pain and pubic infestation. If you’re going to pay homage through animal insinuation, why not design it to look something with a better connotation?

MAKE IT A UNICORN.