Pube Shorts

As men get older, their hairlines tend to recede. As if by magic, wisps start pouring out of their ears and hanging down from their eyebrows, like poorly placed spider webs. But women…women get Pube Shorts.

I distinctly remember the first time I was told about this phenomenon. It happens to you as you get older. And it’s not pretty. I was in the gym locker room (I had worked really hard to burn 100 calories, whilst drinking a Gatorade that contained 400), and a group of us were undressing.

“Ugh, I cannot handle the Pube Shorts!” said my good friend, Pursey. She dramatically showcased her problem by thrusting her hips forward and pointing with both hands. Pursey was seven years my senior, and continuously forecasted my body’s future.

“What’s happening down there?” I questioned.

“Getting older is what’s happening. With every year, your pubes expand. And then they culminate into Pube Shorts.”

It was true. She did look like she was wearing shorts, and they were made of little pubey hairs, woven like a coarse basket. I couldn’t help but grimace. That couldn’t happen to me, right?

I don’t know if I’m just paranoid, but I feel like it’s beginning to happen. The migration has begun. One hair will pop up and I’ll snag that bitch out like a tick. But I recognize that the day is coming when it won’t be a few stragglers, but instead an angry army of curly haired bastards, whose only mission is to reach my ankles.

Fuck. Getting. Older.