The First Visit
Today was my first official doctor’s appointment as a pregnant lady. My husband and I left the house an hour early, just be sure we’d get there on time.
I had heard a lot of rumors about what happens at this first visit: blood gets taken, papers get filed and the woman gets poked from all around. I was most nervous about the blood–somehow, in all my years of visits to the emergency room for clumsy-mishaps I have never, EVER had to get my blood drawn. They have tried– but I have adamantly refused. I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy for like 18 seasons– I know how big those needles are.
Let me begin by saying what a transformation going to the vagina doctor is when you have HEALTH INSURANCE. I respect and love Planned Parenthood for all that they do, but they are so used to dealing with fifteen-year-old addicts with herpes that they have forgotten how to treat adults. What a different experience I had visiting a doctor who talked to me, instead of at me.
After easily making my appointment online, I moseyed into my appointment half-an-hour early and got seen five minutes later! It was shocking. You don’t want to make me sit in the waiting room with the Emo teen picking up her birth control? Who will glare at me from beneath her thick, pasty eyeliner while I wait?
As I have been trained in my many years of pap smears (really, we still haven’t made that term a little less gross?), I was perfectly at home when the nurse told me to drop my drawers and climb on the paper lined table. In fact, this time, I actually got to keep my shirt on. As any classy girl will note, stripping from the waist down really the way to go.
The Nurse Practitioner was great. She smiled a lot and answered all of my questions. I was quite taken by her, until she pulled out a large dildo-on-a-string. As she recalled her memories of being pregnant, the NP took out a condom, poured a bunch of blue-goo into it and slid it over the dildo.
To be fair, she was very gentle. And the dildo was shaped pretty nicely…so it slid right in. And that dildo device allowed us to our baby for the very first time. And let me tell you– it is the most beautiful peanut shaped blob I have ever seen. It looks so much like Selig already!
And in terms of needles and tests, they set me up a whole ‘nother appointment for that. One whole day, fully dedicated to peeing in cups and needles in the arm. Ahhh… I love being a mother already.
