What the Shorts?!

I’m old. This was made painfully obvious to me as I tried to go shopping for shorts. It’s getting hot– I need some new, stylish denim to make me feel like the queen that I am. I like to push the envelope and be trendy, but I gotta draw the line– I need a pair of shorts that can hold in my entire vagina. Not just part of it.

(Don’t go thinking I have an abnormally large one or anything. Yes, I have had three children but my lady parts have bounced back pretty nicely, thank you for wondering.)

See I tried on a pair of shorts that I found in a hip store and I was feeling pretty good about them until I went to go sit down… and felt a cool breeze on my lady bits. Store after store, I encountered this same problem– “shorts” that looked like they were sized for my five-year-old.

This is not acceptable.

Somebody’s gotta fix this teeny tiny shorts business. Here’s why:

1. Slides are really hot. My skin is very tender. I try to be a good mom and I want to play at the playground but I won’t succumb to third-degree vagina burns. Bad news bears.
2. I don’t want to be a spectacle. You know, the woman all the others are pointing at because her hoo-ha is clearly visible.
3. Shorts should not cost more than pants! There is less fabric! They usually aren’t even hemmed!
4. I can’t be held responsible for shaving my whole leg, so I need a pair of shorts that will help compensate
5. There has to be a happy medium between wearing shorts that present your taco to the world and old lady shorts that hit you at the knee. There has to be an alternative.

That is all.