Guilt & Blame– the Mommy Shaming Game!

CNN Money recently published a piece detailing a Harvard study that found that, “Daughters of working mothers grow up to be more successful in the workplace than their peers.” I have been sent this article by a couple different family members, and my agitation is growing. You can read the entire article here.

First off, let me be clear: you can place me smack dab at the front of the line defending working mothers. These hard working, motivated women shouldn’t even need a defense to begin with– their husbands/boyfriends/children’s fathers sure don’t. But as we all know when it comes to children, the world view on child-rearing responsibility is anything but balanced.

In the article, boldly typed with the font size more doubled, the author states, “Goodbye, Mother’s Guilt: Daughters of working mothers earn 23% more than daughters of stay-at-home moms in the U.S., according to research by McGinn and others.”

Um,  hello, asshole.  I’m a mother, and you’ve just made me feel guilty because I am a stay-at-home mom.

The point that I think is important is this: a mother’s choice of working or not working should not be crucified, pulled apart and judged by the rest of the world. And you know what?  A majority of the time, it is no choice at all. There are working mothers that have to return to their jobs to support their families. There are also stay-at-home mothers who have to stay home because the cost of child care and their hourly wage are almost the same. Some mothers choose to work because their job is fulfilling and exciting. Some mothers stay home with their children because that is what makes them happiest. The reasoning behind the decision to work or not to work is specific to each woman, and frankly is none of anyone’s damn business.

Whatever the reason it is time that women stop getting guilt-tripped and shamed for the same choice their male counterparts make. A man who goes to work to support his family is generally looked at favorably, because he is doing his job and earning a living. If you are a stay-at-home dad, you are glorified for giving up a career to raise your children. These men deserve credit, as do all the women who are doing THE EXACT SAME THING. I am disappointed that an article discussing a study by Harvard that gives credit to working mothers can, in the same breath, take credit away from those that do not work. And I am most ashamed when this self-loathing and deprecating behavior stems from other women.

The point of the study, and what the findings support, are positive: working mothers are not damaging their children—in fact there can be many benefits! Fantastic. I agree completely. I appreciate that working women are getting credit and validation. All I ask is that we not tear down the other half of mothers out there who, for whatever reason, are not working. And don’t claim that mothers can let go of their guilt, when in the same sentence you imply children of stay-at-home moms are less fine.

Women should be each other’s greatest champions. We should band together and stop the shaming-cycle and finger pointing. Because in the end, the bottom line is that we are all doing our goddamn best.