How to Read a Knock-Off Pregnancy Test
After my first pregnancy, I stopped using the average “Pee on a Stick” test. They were just too damn expensive! I couldn’t afford to pay $9.99 per test, especially when I have a compulsive disorder that directs me to pee on any unused pregnancy test in the house. (This is no joke. If there is a beautiful, wrapped test, sitting there blankly just waiting for the + – to fill its lonely screen—I will pee on it. Even if I don’t think I’m pregnant, cannot be pregnant, or don’t want to be pregnant. It is a sickness.)
Ah yes, back to my point. I discovered through a friend that Amazon carries strip pregnancy tests that come in packs of 25 for the same relative price. They aren’t pretty like the fancy drug store kind. In fact, they are lacking in the looks department.
Furthermore, you are not supposed to pee onto them but instead dip in in a cup of fresh urine. Urine cups are not included, so it is up the user to find a receptacle that is not only clean, but that you feel comfortable emptying your bladder into. This requires a lot of effort, seeing as how female urethras don’t aim but spray. The biggest upside to this is that it is way too much work to do on a regular basis; hence I don’t find the need to pee on every single strip if I have them.
There is also no + – but just a faint “control line” that appears if positive. They look the pH strips used in science class in middle school, with more disgusting liquid material and a much higher personal stake in the results.
If I have not already convinced you that these strips are amazing, let me tell you about the instructions. One side of the package only has only acronyms and pictures. These tests are not for the faint of heart– they make you use your brain. For example, look at the picture below.
See those four boxes? Clearly the manufacturers are trying to tell you something. After sitting in my bathroom next to my cup of luke-warm pee contemplating the intricate symbols, I think I finally figured it out.
BOX ONE is a picture of a house with a sun above it. Translation: the test must be taken during the day time, when it is warm outside. Live in a cold climate? Having a pregnancy scare in the winter? Too bad. This test is not for you. Maybe, instead, you should have drank less tequila and not believed your husband when he told you it wasn’t possible to get pregnant on Friday the 13th.
BOX TWO is a triangle with an exclamation mark inside of it. Translation: whatever the answer, this test is going to provide some excitement. The manufacturer is probably not comfortable saying whether you will experience utter delight, sweet relief, tears of frustration or sobs of despair. But they are confident it will be dramatic.
BOX THREE has a picture of rain with an umbrella underneath it. Translation: always use protection. Now it may seem like this advice is a little late to the game, seeing as how you have purchased a pregnancy test, but I think that the makers of this product just want to remind you that protection comes in many forms. I’m guessing they may also own stock in an umbrella company.
BOX FOUR is the number “2”, with a circle around it and a slash through it. Translation: DO NOT POOP ON THIS PREGNANCY TEST. Lucky for you these people have thought of everything and they are watching your back. Just in case you get confused of what waste product to dip your strip into, they are telling you it is definitely #1, not #2.
I have devoted (too much) time to understanding the complexity and intricacies of these test strips, and I want to share my knowledge with other women out there. Believe it or not, this is not a sponsored review.
You’re welcome, ladies.
