A Lesson in Vag-Maintenance History

There have been many strange (and slightly absurd) societal changes in our everyday vag-maintenance. I often wonder, what will be next?

Let’s follow the journey, starting at the beginning.

1) Beavershaver.com (surely, a very reputable site), claims that the early Egyptians and Greeks set a “smooth and hairless body” as the standard of beauty. The Romans, apparently, also agreed. So ladies, if you are feeling the pressure to keep your landing strip weed-free, blame the Ancients.

Skip forward in time, because apparently, nothing interesting happened with vaginas for a very, very long time.

2) Rumor has it the next craze was started by actress Jennifer Love Hewitt in 2000-something. Legend has it that after a particularly bad breakup, she got vajazzled in an effort to make herself feel better (and who wouldn’t?!).

It’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Let me walk you through this torturous process:

-Remove all hairs from the nether region (Every. Single. One.)

-Find a studio that specializes in vajazzling

-Choose from an array of designs, all made with Swarovski crystals, that will be glued to your tender pube skin

-Strip from the waist down, and spread your legs for the vag-artist

-Pay the modest $50+, for the wonderful experience of vajazzling

Although it may twinkle in the moonlight, I cannot imagine how that actually feels when you’re bumping uglies.

Now, vajazzling was so early-2000’s. Let’s move on.

3) Next came bleaching. Not of the hair– of the skin. Beginning with porn actresses, the skin down under was bleached of its natural color and made to blend in with the rest of the surrounding skin. I’m not sure how well this caught on with the general public, as I have never actually heard of someone admitting to having done it. Maybe it just stayed within “the industry”.

4) In 2014, the bush made a comeback (trimmed, of course). No more looking like 10-year-old girls for us! We were encouraged to let our pubes grow, whilst trimming the perimeter.

5) Plastic surgery brought a whole new life to vaginas everywhere. Literally. In 2014, women began getting their hymens repaired, so that they could experience the joy of losing their virginity. (Sorry, Doc. Count me out).

I don’t know about you, but I for one have sitting around, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the next craze in which I can spend my money and torture my vagina. And FINALLY. FINALLY, it is here.

6) Ladies, certain spas are now offering the Mugwort V-Steam. Gwenyth Paltrow is an advocate, claiming, “You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus…It is an energetic release- not just a steam douche- that balances female hormone levels,”

I feel kind of stupid for saying this, but I really didn’t know my uterus needed a deep clean. Thank you, Gwenyth! Instead of spending my fun-money on a pedicure or some lame massage, I will definitely look into taking my vagina to the spa. After three kids, the poor thing could probably use a day off.

That’s your vaghistory lesson for today.