The Monkey Bombshell

I had an epiphany today. Maybe everyone else has realized this but me. Maybe I shouldn’t even bring it up– but it has been consuming my thoughts and also my dreams.

If everyone knows that Curious George is such a curious monkey, than why does The Man with the Yellow Hat always leave him alone? Hasn’t he figured out that the monkey always gets into trouble?

Furthermore, where is The Man with the Yellow Hat always running off to? He makes plans with George and then suddenly he has to be somewhere else. You know what I think? I think The Man with the Yellow Hat has a drug problem. Specifically; smoking the reefer.

Think about it:

1.) He wears a suit made entirely of yellow and never changes his outfit. That color of yellow is atrocious and I’m not sure anyone who wasn’t crazy high would pick it out to begin with. Furthermore, you’d have to be super stoned not to ever remember– not even once– to change your clothes.

2.) He has an exotic pet. If I have learned anything from Hollywood movies it is that stoners (and also Mike Tyson) love to have colorful companions. And that George–he is quite the character!

3.) The Man with the Yellow Hat wears lace-up boots. Now, I bet some would argue that’s because he is supposed to look like an explorer but I think that is a part of the ruse. No man, living in the city, is going to trek around in those things all day UNLESS they serve a purpose. And if you were a druggie those boots have many benefits: they protect your calves from junkyard dogs, they provide support for your ankles when you need to outrun the law, and they are probably so worn down that you would never leave any definitive footprints.

4.) The Man with the Yellow Hat is always taking George on adventures and everyone knows that grown-ass men usually have jobs and do not have time to be playing with their monkeys all day. You never hear The Man with the Yellow Hat say, “Well, George, I’m sorry but I have to work now. Got to get TPS Report in ASAP.”

No. If anything that dude is always like, “Yeah, George. I want to go to the circus, too!”

5.) The Man with the Yellow Hat never gets mad at his monkey for destroying laundry mats, pizza parlors, baseball games, parades etc. Doesn’t anyone think that this is odd? I mean come on–everyone knows that owner of a pet always gets blamed if their pet does something. But The Man with the Yellow Hat is always just in the background, grinning like a fool.

He’s always like, “Yeah, that’s my monkey.”

6.) But the biggest and most crucial argument for The Man with the Yellow Hat being a stoner is George himself. George is always making a scene thus pulling attention away from everything else. George is the wing-man. The Man with the Yellow Hat suggests they go somewhere, lo and behold George creates a distraction, and The Man with the Yellow Hat disappears for a bit. Minutes later, after the situation is rectified, The Man with the Yellow Hat comes back all relaxed. And then they eat pizza.

That is literally the plot of every G-rated crime movie that has ever existed.

Come on, people. The Man with the Yellow Hat is a Mary Jane lovin’, perma-fried, midnight-toker, 4:20-o’clock-kind of guy.

The Man with the Yellow Hat is a chronic pothead.

Maybe next week we can talk about Clifford the Big Red Dog.