Captain’s Log; 03.17.2020

We are in the second day of our quarantine. Our second day of homeschooling.

It’s been raining on and off and every time there is a break in the weather I shove the kids outside and shout, “RECESS!” Because this is San Diego and if it is below 70 and there is any moisture, we don’t dare brave the weather.

The past 48 hours has already made me appreciate so much– seeing our friends and family, getting whatever I want for dinner (OMG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT MY JAMAICAN FOOD? AND LORD KNOWS I CANNOT MAKE IT.), and I miss the simple things like not having a panic attack every time I wipe my ass with precious toilet paper.

Speaking of which– and I don’t mean to brag but I really do think I was in front of the curve on this one– we bought a bidet. Fools at the grocery store were combating this virus with toilet paper and I was like, “Let’s be productive here and get us a roundabout.” (To be fair this is something we’ve talked about for months but could never really pull the trigger.)

For about $30 I purchased us a fancy nozzle that sprays freezing cold water into your anus. And I mean into. Sure, there is a nozzle that controls the streamflow, and sure, it probably warned about this in the instructions, but I am not someone who reads those. Like ever.

I tried out the bidet yesterday and we are not friends. You have to be lined up perfectly or the thing just shoots water everywhere. I was leaning over trying to see what the fuck was happening down there and it narrowly missed my nose. Instead, it ended up soaking my pants and underwear.

When I finally arose, cold and violated from the toilet, I was drenched. I can only pray that whatever I was covered in was clean water. I can’t be sure. It all went south so quickly. I need some sort of bidet for dummies guide to get my butthole lined up with the Geiser. But that is a task for another day.

The kids have been doing well. We’ve been diving into homeschool slowly; doing more planned lessons in the morning and family time in the afternoon. The rain has really loosened up the soil and so yesterday I put them to work weeding the yard. It felt really nice to be outside together and to watch them get their little hands dirty. It also gave me a real sense of authority to repeat the phrase, “I’m sorry you’re sick of doing this but you are in Mommy School now and this class is Weeding 101.”

Today I am teaching the whole family how to make sourdough. We have our starter and are slowly adding all of our ingredients together. My beautiful little children seem to have infinite appetites but run very low on patience. Forming sourdough is a great life lesson; it takes time. It isn’t fast. You have to wait around a lot. And plan ahead. But there’s nothing quite like watching a magnificent loaf of your own bread come out of the oven and smearing it with butter that melts into every precious crack.

We tried doing a kid’s yoga video as a family. I’m not good at yoga– my mind is always racing and the boredom that sets in standing in the same pose for that long is just tedious. I’m like 98% certain that the woman teaching it on Youtube was super high, and her storyline made zero sense. Tomorrow we might try karate– I think that might be more our speed.

It is Saint Patrick’s Day– and we had grand neighborhood plans. But alas, corona. So we plan to meet up out front at 4:30, each sequestered in our own yards, and we will make cheers across driveways and hope for the day when we don’t have to keep ourselves so separate.

I am actively taking stock of everything I have to be thankful for and appreciate the things that we already miss. Hopefully, we all settle into this new reality and as we see the shelves restock with food, and toilet paper is no longer treated like gold, we can all look forward to the day that this madness ends.

Stay safe out there, friends. Love to you all.