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Fun with Funerals
I knew taking a toddler to a funeral was going to be interesting. I’m not an idiot. But I also didn’t have a babysitter, and my cousin had recently passed away. It was important that I attend. I thought it was too early to explain death to her– this cheerful, little being would soon enough be burdened with real life problems, and I wasn’t going to try to explain end-of-life to a two-year old. Instead, I said nothing. She was always gazing at the sky or playing with grass. I couldn’t get her to focus on anything of importance so how much could she possibly pick up? The funeral began…
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The Ergo Pick-Up
After having a baby, it can be really tough to meet other moms. I remember walking around Target, my baby strapped snugly into my Ergo– and it was a great conversation starter. I’d be chuggin’ through the store and spot another mom. She’d look nice enough. Longing for some adult conversation, I would slowly pass and eye her matching carrier. “Nice Ergo!” I’d begin. Her face would light up. Let’s be honest– we’re all in the same boat as new mothers– our babies are precious little beings that require all of our time and attention. But there’s only so much wiping of perfect tushes you can do without going bat-shit…
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I Read Another Mom’s Blog
Blog posts can be lonely. I type them out furiously when I get a spare minute, only to click them into fruition in cyberspace. I have no idea what happens to them, or if anyone reads them. They are on my screen– and then they are gone. Tonight a friend sent me a blog she likes and I thought I would give it a shot. The woman who writes it is sweet. She is kind. She raves about her children and the light that doth shine behind their glorious eyes. And at no point, ever, does ever let go of this image of being a perfect mother, and having the…
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Diapers with a Stripe
I don’t understand– a diaper company wants me to pay extra money, per diaper, so that a line can appear to tell me that my child has peed? Have they ever met an infant? My kids peed. ALL OF THE TIME. There is no need for a line. If it’s full, they would scream. If there was any question, I had this handy tool called MY HAND. Give the diaper a squeeze– if you feel something, change the diaper. I get it. Anything to make your life easier with an infant is readily accepted. But can we call a bullshit buy when we see it? Because I’m calling this one.
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People sometimes wonder, “Why have children?”. I have the perfect answer. This morning I was minding my own business, enjoying a little “me” time. My youngest was asleep, and my three-year-old was playing with her dolls. I was in the bathroom, building a log cabin and playing on my phone, when I noticed there was no toilet paper. Not a shred. Not a leaf. Not a corner. I frantically reached into the cupboard where the extras are usually held—nada. But you know what? Mommy didn’t fret, because I have a completely mobile mini-me who comes when I call. “Portia,” I cooed sweetly. “Can you bring mommy some toilet paper?” Aiming…
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Why giving directions to a toddler is impossible.
Have you ever tried giving directions to a toddler? It is impossible. I was feeding my youngest, trying to direct my three-year-old to get me my checkbook that had fallen off of the kitchen table. Problem #1: she doesn’t know what a checkbook is. Problem #2: she doesn’t know her left from her right. Problem #3: she isn’t that great of a listener, for any length of time. Problem #4: the concept for “forward” and “backwards” are foreign to her. The conversation went something like this— ME: Can you please pick my checkbook off of the floor? 3-YEAR-OLD: What? ME: Can you please pick my checkbook off the floor? 3-YEAR-OLD:…
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I’m Not LOL’ing
Ugh, mothers, I love you. I really do. I love your opinions, I love your thoughts and I love the forums in which they are expressed. But please, for the love of all that is holy, STOP WITH THE ABBREVIATIONS. You know what I’m talking about. All these “DD”s, “DS”s, “HB”s—I can’t handle it anymore. I honestly don’t even know what those mean. I don’t care. It feels to me like the teenage generation that got used to “LOL” and “BFF” are taking over the world, and we are left with a series of abbreviations that I don’t care to understand. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I like to take…
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Sleeping Through the Night
Mothers have a tough go at proving they’re doing their job correctly. The pressures of raising children is daunting, with societal burdens telling us how and when our children should behave. But there is one question in particular that lays the ground work for failure: is your baby sleeping through the night? I have caught myself asking this same question to other mothers with babies, as if it’s some pinnacle of achievement that we can all compare ourselves to. But the question itself is absurd—babies do not sleep through the night! They just don’t. We have all heard numbers tossed around through articles, books and doctor’s visits; eight hours equals…
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Freeze.
Freeze. Stop this whirlwind of giggles and butterfly kisses. Give me a moment to memorize that crooked smile. Let me never forget the simple pleasure of bubbles. And sand. As I watch the delicate beads slip through your fingers, I want you to remember that happiness is fleeting But is found in such simple places. Appreciate the power of a good band aid, And the relief it can bring to any situation. When heartbreak eventually finds you, I want to take you back to the joy of yelling. To the time you found how loud your voice could resonate In a small, plastic cup. When…
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Empty Nest
My mother experienced a wicked case of Empty Nest Syndrome after my sister and I moved away. To fill the void that had expanded within her heart (and also her home) she did what any woman would: she filled both with birds. Oh the irony! Empty Nest fixed by the addition of fowl! Her dining room is completely dedicated to their cages and various bird related paraphernalia. This includes: homemade perches, heat lamps and toys (my mom refused to get me a cell phone but each of the birds has one). Let me introduce to you to the flock. Guido: “The Wise Guy” Guido has been a part of my…